Wednesday, September 27, 2006

bleh..

bad day man...
got diarrhea!!!
couldn't fully concentrate during class n during revision... toilet was like my second home. =\ realli felt super dehydrated n tired. ahhh! haven complete my revision for tml's bio test!!! woolalas.. God pls help me!!

peace in the midst of the storm~

i want to walk on the water by faith with U holding unto my hand... loving You always...

what we could have been, 9:30 PM.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Ding dong!

ZOMBIFIED.

wooo~ going gaga soon!... or maybe i'm already so. =\
been mugging real hard these days. smth like non-stop studying, so quite tired..
thank God that i can always go to Him n be recharged!! whee~ He's my everlasting battery and power source...' Energizer!' yea! hmm... i think i've never studied so crazily before. thank God for givng me the sense of urgency n free flow of blessings which jus makes me know that He's always there for me... also thank God for the perserverance i've never seen myself had before..

faith to believe, joy to follow God...

whee~ back to studies! =]

what we could have been, 9:42 PM.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

God never fails to amaze me with His timely message to me...

ystd's service was jus awesome...

blown away once again, my life was revealed to me like a naked flame so visible and yet so raw..

it was true that God jus seemed distant when my books came... more strands of white hair on my head, also vexed n breatheless inside.. i'm was lost in my fear and worries...

Until yesterday..

when i was crying out to the Lord deep down inside, images of my struggles came upon me.. things which i jus struggle wif daily.

undescribable feelings drowned me... i know that it was God. usually hidden by my own understanding, that day everything came to light before me... the area of JOY n FAITH were clearly audible by my heartbeat..

real joy n happiness comes from within.

yes. indeed,
Christian life suppose to be dynamic not static!
i want to be outstanding for Jesus!!! [Matt 5:14-16]
i shall have a breakthrough, for the name of the Lord is worthy to be praise by every single living soul on earth! i noe it's gonna be tough but God is my source n my salvation in Whom i shall not fear.

what we could have been, 12:51 PM.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Rahh!!! so so so angry today... was realli focusing hard, trying my best to complete the mock exam paper n asking teacher for help.... i realli realli want to pass my maths, no more failure in this subject le... so upset... discovered that this teacher actually betrayed my trust one last time... made everything i wished for go back to square one... i was furious n devastated that she told me a lie once again.. facing the consequences of her betrayal was crushing n depressing... seemed like the word "respect" was since then out of my world...thought back how foolish i was to trust her again that time.. now i'm twice bitten thrice shy, i will never trust her again.. it jus like a time torturing process to go cca twice every week for total of 8 hrs...

so... i didn't complete the paper... got 33/60 means i dun have to sit for retest next wk.. but disappointed. was made the victim of their accusation, couldn't do anything.. couldn't even defend or explain myself for being angry... i told myself, enough is enough... i won't want to stay here jus feeling so so hurt deep inside almost every wk..
i dun wan to smile at them when i'm upset... i am a human too, God created ALL of us with emotions... if they aren't happy jus becuz i show them a long black face.. SO BE IT!

i admit that i was wrong sharing with one of my juniour how i felt towards what i did... but my conscience is clear.. i did not say or speak anything unkind or ugly about them... if i had waited... i believe that " if God is for us, who can be against us.." God i repent. show me the way.. i'll folow wherever You may lead me...

what we could have been, 7:20 PM.

Ahh!!! woolalas... *melts* how would this dream ever be sweeter?

dreamt of that adorable Jindo (used to be my dog).. yea...
woots! n u noe wad?? i dreamt that he came back wif his sweetie pie wif four lil' pups... lalalalas~ whee~ ahh, gonna evaporate le.. jus incredibly awesome feeling that makes me grin from ear to ear... yea man, like tasting an cookies n cream ice-cream lavished with chocolate fondue with extra caramel chocolate swrivelled into the side of the ice-cream... wow, heavenly eh?

but... one thing i didn't get is that one of the pup was different.. it was a mongrel, a mixed of Jindo's kind n..Chiwawa??! blehs... dunno la, jus weird...

could it be smth divine frm God? who knows? haha =D

what we could have been, 5:55 PM.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Shalalalas~

resolved.

thought over.

reflected...

whee~ smilling a day away today!

happy happy day after so, so long...
thank God for every lil' thing that happened todae to cheer me up!
i love u sheeps =]

what we could have been, 9:42 PM.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

it happened again...

i dunno why but .. it did.

i kept asking for an answer...
i thought that that will help...
God is Sovereign so He would help wouldn't He?

my heart really sank when it happened over n over again...
i was totally torn n worn out...
i dun wan to do it anymore..
perhaps... it's the only way out of my heartaches..

seek God in prayer to ask for a sign, a beautiful miracle..

guess what? nothing happens but got worse!

And He spoke to me.."wait...".
at that point of time, i know i was wrong...
i wanted to see fruits n immediate result after prayer...
i wanted everything to be settled in MY timing...
God, i need patience n compassion once again God...
No... i need everything... i need You.
i'm sorry for not trusting You...
i know that You did not chose me for mere convenience or by mistake...
becuz i know You believe in me...

i am really... speechless... He actually chose me to do His work!!... but in order to succeed, i need Him.. without Him, i am NOTHING! realli dun wan to give up on these precious God-breath souls... God use me, change me...

what we could have been, 2:35 PM.

Friday, September 15, 2006

i am a flower quickly fading...
here today n gone tomorrow...
a wave tossed in the ocean...
a vapour in the wind...

Life...

Haiz...life can be so unpredictable and fragile...
good times spent jus pass by swiftly..
when it's time... God'll bring u home...

what a heart-wrenching piece of news to hear at the beginning of the day at sch...
Samuel Tan from 4H passed away yesterday due to dengue...
a guy in the midst of prelims, with hopes n dreams for his future...
died so suddenly..

though i'm not close to him at all, at least i know him as a fellow brother in Christ..
hard to explain my feelings at that moment i heard the news...
jus didn't feel right at all..
images of times i've talked to him before n the time when we studied together jus keep replaying in my mind...
somehow jus wished to know him even more...
but now, there's no more chance to do so...

i'm not stumbled or anything...
jus believe that God has He's perfect plan for his life..
i therefore rejoice, for i know he's soul is wif my Heavenly Father...
jus hoped that his friends n family are alright...
pray that they'll understand, stop grieving n move on...

realli thought hard to myself...
what if it was me?
what if the person whom God wants to bring home is me?
i would definately be glad..
but... who would remember me?
other than my family n the family of God,...who will?
i wun dare to count...

what we could have been, 5:05 PM.

TOMORROW, TOMORROW TOMORROW!!! ahhh... the 15th anniversary is finally here!! whee~ filled wif so much excitement n antiscipation... jus ended a night of the last rehearsel before the BIG DAY! super tired but i realli enjoyed serving wif n in this family of God.. =] didn't expect joy to follow by wif some upseting news too... after i listen to what her cousin told me, i realli broke down n cried... i didn't expect that to happen at all, another major disappointment had to come now... recalled alot of things suddenly.. realli prayed wif so much sadness, asking God.."is there no other way?.." Straight away.. God reminded me, He's in control... no matter what the outcome is of our effort, He will bless us wif fruits in His time.. i will not be discouraged n i will strive on!

Reflected lots on how i was also grateful to the church... how i've grown thru' serving God n His ppl thru' the years.. how i overcame problems in my life wif God n wif the help n prayers of the family of God... so, so, so much to thank all who had made a difference in my life .. Thank you!

Woops! forgot to bring medicine home... left it at EXPO.. hope that it'll not be thrown away accidentally =x

what we could have been, 12:46 AM.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Rahh!! i jus dun get it!! y? God is so so good n yet people still refuses to accept The Way! jus listened to the song by Hillsong LIVE, "Mighty To Save".. realli stirred up my heart big time... spent my own QT wif God jus now.. didn't realli get a word from God yet until now...remembered what Shirley shared last sat, we are not fighting for victory for victorous we already are in Christ! Amen!!! Yea man, realli charged up to win the world for Jesus wif the ONE n ONLY life that i'm given =] i'm sure there'll be disappointments along the way, but i'll never give up as long as God promises stays..

thru' the past few days when my life wif God jus seemed to be drifting...i discovered that i will not survive..realli makes me come to ponder about this qn.."who is God to me?". looking back to the past when i first started serving until now.. it's been two yrs plus.. not quite long n neither was it a short period of time too.. i'm certain that i've grown to a certain extent but i know there's far more that i can get to know about God.. it's just that kind of undescibable,'unquencable' thirst for more of God in my life... as i was prompted to share a few verses to someone ystd, God once again spoke to me thru' the book of Job.. Job's life, one that noone would ever desire or wish for... so many 'whys' he asked God but he chose to trust n believe that God has His perfect plan... n indeed, God never fails to bless him many folds over his hardship in his life.. it's some kind of simple yet profound thingy to love God n know God in ur heart than in ur mind... unexplainable, u'll only understand when u search n experience it urself.. God jus never fails to amaze me wif all that He is n all that He can do! it's jus that thin line of difference between love to believe n believe to love.. both may be good but which is better? i love to believe~

what we could have been, 1:05 PM.

Woohoo~ Tis is the day that the Lord has made, i will rejoice n be glad in it! Amen! yepps, gonna spend solitude wif God todae... though body is weak but ain't no nothing gonna stop me! whee~ i'm looking forward to be refreshed n recharged by God todae.. i know i've made the right decision to take a rest today, so what if i went school today?? i will still be physically n spiritually tired. 3 weeks counting down the to final-year exams... fear? yes. doubt? yes. giving up? NEVER! =] truely wanting to glorify God in my studies, i'm not gonna back out now... i know it truely well that my results n progress now is like..' pls lah' but i'll work hard to buck up wif faith.. focusing on the finish line not at the pace i'm running now.. chiong ar! still many things left in my brain.. will use the time i'm blessed wif to sort them out wif God todae. Time n tide wun wait for man. time is precious, i shall not waste even 1 sec of it.. okays then, i'm off! whee~

what we could have been, 11:07 AM.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Oinkieoink! wahahax... felt like pig todae.. woke up at 3am..went back to sleep. woke up again at 830am and went back to sleep den only woke up at 11am.. my nose couldn't stop running n man did my throat hurts... watched a bit of television den took panadol n back to sleep again!!! lols. =P and blah blah blah... went to the polyclinic late n they were closed. i guess all these are testings.. but i dunno how to react.. was given two days of MC .. is it now God? Is it? decided.. my decision. n yups... went to bed n excitedly awaits for tomorrow! =] i need a rest from everything else n now i got it. thank You God.

what we could have been, 9:46 PM.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Yipee!~ so so excited for Hope 15th anniversary!!! yey, whole family confirm coming!!! ahha... praying hard for my spine, have faith that God'll heal me real soon! =D yea, Shirley is right... i want others to leave EXPO hall not just saying the programme was great but rather... GOD IS GREAT! [Rev7:9]

i think i've lost them... somehow, both good n bad ones.. it doesn't realli matter to me now... perhaps,... i've totally given up on seeing it come to past, someday? i dun care anymore. no point waiting any longer, when it's time.. it'll come. This week is a pack week so somehow i blogged lesser than usual =x now i know why God wants me to take up pure lit instead of POA... i've recently came to love the novel i'm studying, The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan.. i've learnt alot about human's carnality n certain words or action used to portray love which is also evident in my life.. if God had made my life a bed of roses, i will never know my purpose of life and even if i am loved, i will never know what's it all about except the four letters L.O.V.E... it's thru' every struggle n problems that i've learnt to love even more n also be loved.. it's never easy to walk out of ur own problems, this i must agree.. but at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is.. how much more u get to know God thru' that tough time while He carried u? Was it jus a silent n self-indulging walk? or a life-changing n fruitful walk? i've walked out of the darkness with Him but i feel that... i could have known Him even more...

i know. i've given myself n God too many excuses to realli spend some solid time with Him... now i shall be complacent no more.. there's so many things i believe God wants to tell me but i hardly was ever still before Him to just hear His slightest tender whisper.. i'm so sorry... My life will never be complete without You.. You mean more than this world to me.. how DEEP, how WIDE , how GREAT is Your love for me.. You dun need me to love u back but.. i want to forevermore..

what we could have been, 3:13 PM.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Only one life n soon it'll past, only wad's done for Christ will last!!! YES n AMEN!! whee~ carys shall never be the same again... realli was impacted greatly by todae's sermon [Hidden Significance].. i was realli sick of school n my studies, many things i choose to avoid becuz i dun wanna get hurt once n again... i dun wish to face the harsh reality in school n at home... but i was wrong. Eversince the problems surfaced once again, the world seemed so ugly n horrible,so cold n unfeeling... jus wish to get over each day like a flash.. but i came to realise... the world is actualli very beautiful yet ugly if u allow it to be.. only one life to live, y choose to remain in the dark side of the world?? by faith, i shall step out victorously as i already am! i m here in the world but to influence the world! Open the eyes of my heart, Lord.. Open the eyes of my heart cuz i want to see You.. God change my heart... i want to live life with U in control...

what we could have been, 12:15 AM.

Friday, September 08, 2006

woo~ set off early to Admiralty today... needed help for A maths n chemistry so badly la... but always make those who teach me vomit blood de =x yea, thank God for a patient cher! hahas... well, cool experience.. 1st time take the northwest line leh! lols...=D at least for hols hw, a maths n chem is off my mind now.. phew.. haha.. studied at my 'house' (mac) den set off to take bus home... then the overhead bridge super cool de lor, got quite a few shops on it, ranging from handphone shops, cheers to small bakery shops! so interesting rite? hmm... went across to take bus 969 to Tampines interchange den saw Bing Liang on the bus too! haha, he waved back so i guess he recognise me.. lols. sigh... spine's acting up again, can't bend my back actually den the whole journey quite uncomfortable n furthermore, someone was sitting beside me so can't move much... =\ the travelling time was shorter than i expected, it took me only like 40 mins to reach Tampines interchange! after that got myself some snacks to nibble on (FRIED FOOD!... gonna get killed if Louis knows about this =x) n that was my dinner cum lunch... no appetide ma, den can save money too! lols =x actualli wanted to study somemore de but noone is free to i guess... so i went home, tried to lie on the bed.. but can't get the right position.. hate it when i have to wake up in the middle of the night bcuz of my back..=\ bothers.. lots of stuff on mind now... but i will trust, [matt 7:7] =P

what we could have been, 7:44 PM.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

cg today was quite cool... Cindy jie, Cindy mei, Si qi, Si Qin n Lihui joined us too! hehes... cool man, newbies.. =] yups, God jus showed me a verse n linked up many many stuff that i was so burdened to share during worship... believed that it did realli impacted everyone present todae... headed to romantic mac to study wif Jiajia, Melissa, Melody n Siew Ling... couldn't realli concentrate, too noisy. After changing a book at Popular bkshop, headed home... things had to happen again =\ dun wish to say much but was quite hurt... haiz, nvm la...it's over. still praying for a breakthru'.. =)

what we could have been, 8:07 PM.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

whee~ metamorphasis!! hmm... all my newbie couldn't make it.. sobs =( nvm la, serve lor! hehes... volunteered as usher for both shifts.. yea, can say that i'm crazy bah. well, at first super sick that can't even make it for metamorphasis de lor, but thank God was healed =] yea, reached there bout 845am den all the ushers blew balloons, 100 leh! haha, some burst while we were blowing so quite scary... lols, furthermore, blowing the balloons made our lips all powdery n felt disgusted.. =/ haha.. thru'out the teachings, God was speaking rite into my life... areas which i was blinded in... but now i see... many things i'm still lacking in n saw many things in a bigger picture... then, prayed for one of my converts to be baptised in the Holy spirit... prayed for quite some time n i began to lose faith when Sister Eelee wanted to ask us to stop for awhile n continue on later but God stepped in n reminded me that i shldn't be feeling that way.. my faith was immediately charged up n began to pray in tongues even louder!!...n, she received!!! =) woohoo! was realli glad for her, she's gonna be another powerful life testimony for Jesus! after that was games n i went wif my cg den had to run back to Nexus earlier... urgh! spine's killing me again... dunno wad happened jus tried to sit on the chair wif a position i'm comfy wif... it's realli amazing how i came to know Cindy jie came for Metamorphasis...she was Pei Qing n Melissa's street converts! wow, realli can see how God is moving everywhere man! n it was the 180 degrees concert... woolala, super stunned at the noise level man... know i shldn't be feeling certain way but i repented. now i know... it's not easy to be an usher too! hees =x yea, the praise n worship was realli awesome n i believed that everyone left with a word from God.. we all prayed for specific areas in our life; spiritually, studies, family n even friends... prayed tgt as cg n i led in prayer for our schools, quited uncertain at first but God put the words in my mouth n i jus spoke them.. awesome! well, quite a wonderful but tiring day for me =P realli experienced God n longing for a good solitude real soon! =]

what we could have been, 11:21 PM.

Monday, September 04, 2006

bleh... couldn't sleep ystd nite since 12 plus... my bones aching man, fever!! so, so tired from tossing n turning but still can't sleep.. wells, gonna chiong on hols hw ltr! yea man! Breakthru' Sept!! whee~

what we could have been, 1:08 PM.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

When you said nothing at all~

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may, I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

l day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What's being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all...

by Krauss Alson~

Whee~ wow... this is one of my favourite song.. yea, jus happened to come to my mind... saw my parents playing with my sister's hp game n super enthu kind.. hahas, 'childlikeness'? hehes...well, praying hard for Hope 15th anniversary day cuz my whole family will be going!! used the excuse that i'm going to sing on that day n by faith God'll soften their hearts n say YES to Jesus!! woah, realli super excited that i prayed n fasted on eating ice for 2 days... i know, i eat ice?? weird rite? but i do... hehes.. anyway, this song realli reflected on how much i learnt to treasure my family members n the family of God! heaven n earth will sooner or later fade away.. so will days pass quickly, people grow old n die.. that's the truth of life. but it'll definately make a difference when we chose to treasure our loved ones around us n do our best to share God's love to them cuz God will do the rest!! though many have let me down, n many times they've misunderstood n hurt me, i still thank God for my family n this life-time i share wif them.. Yea, u rite! crazy carys is back!!! hahas... one obstacle i overcame wif God n one burden lighter! hehes... mixed feelings... dunno if i should give up the other n jus wait for God's plan 4 me... dun wish to think of it now.. dun wanna dwell in my hurts, GO AWAY!!! yupx, i know He's plan is the best 4 me so why should i bother to think so much about it!! Breakthru' September here i come!! God'll make a way where there seems to be no way.. i believe that this time i've came back stronger... up on my feet n ready to run! =]

what we could have been, 12:19 PM.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

still filled with many mixed feelings in my heart... went to the beach ystd for some bbq wif Han You, Joy, Mabel, Serene n Louis... felt better after shouting at the sea n worshipping by the sea... totally awesome as i felt the sea breeze jus blowed towards me n the gentle waves which washed over the shores n the glistering of the surface of the waters... realli wanna thank God 4 such a wonderful sista, Mabel, to share n confide in... that night was awesome!~

today woke up early though no choir but full-gear study... wanted to use my time wisely... chiong ar!! " Wah... my blackslider coming back for service todae!!"..."my sheep hor...", everything i heard jus makes me feel worser each time... y is shss still stagnant? it's been 3 long years!!! fruits came in lately but things had to go the other way... was realli fed-up n discouraged... went to n fro the toilet, jus couldn't stop myself from crying when i think about everything which is happening to me in my life rite now... hope that i could convince myself that God'll make a way but... it's tough.. was about to go back to Africa room when i met Daixuan n when she asked me y i look so sad,... there goes everything that was built up for these two months plus... i cried n cried... couldn't help it i guess... never felt so burdened n den fed-up b4... y things jus wouldn't work out rite?? den was reminded by her that God'll never shortchange us when we give our best to the KOG.. n also encouraged me greatly when she told me that i would be a great testimony in near future! i will cling on to my last drip of faith.. still feeling down, i went for service.. hoping for smth supernatural n divine... nth realli big happened but the word of knowledge Pastor Shirley shared about Job's life, made me 'wow'... it was the same thing God kept reminding me thru'out the week... giving thanks n being joyful in all circumstances.. i know i was far from that... was quite motivated to move on n perserver on cuz i know i should look towards the end of the race n not the current situation... faith can't be restored or boosted to the max in a day... still believing, asking God to double or even triple up my faith level!! it's not bcuz i have to or bcuz of pleasing man that i want to serve in the past, but truely bcuz i willingly want and desire to do great things for Him.. it's time to pick myself up n run towards the finish line~ God's love is simple yet profound..

what we could have been, 11:18 PM.